I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.