HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Happy thanksgiving
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Whisper out to librarians!
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt