Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends