i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*