Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You Might Also Like
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Strangers have the best candy.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
✌️
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter