my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.