Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT