Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
You Might Also Like
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Nice try Hitler
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Fights fire with marshmallows
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.