Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
getting old is fun
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My flabber has been gasted.