Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies