My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
what day is it?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…