Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
You Might Also Like
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?