Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!