my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.