Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
stand with me against insufficient seating
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.