I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Danger is very dangerous
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb