To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*puts cutlery down*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again