[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
OKAY DAD
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.