*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
You Might Also Like
real
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”