[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
You Might Also Like
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*