If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed