More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
You Might Also Like
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey