Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing