Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Time heals everything 🙂
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
💯😂
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room