Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.