The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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In case you needed to hear it:
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.