*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.