Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.