I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.