Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
everyone’s a critic
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.