[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol