(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I was bored.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I would move hell over six inches for you
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up