Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Why are bridges so flammable.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.