No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Coffee is ready.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
million dollar idea: worm dehorser