I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se