[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Waiting for the Charmin
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will