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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.