Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
A Short Story.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.