Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.