Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes