At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache