“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying