[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome