*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.