Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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Ah yes. The three genders
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
when you order from DoorDastardly
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]