DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
WTF IS THAT!