Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Cats are still liquid.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it