Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Best table by far
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming