I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years