Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary